Hypocrite

My boyfriend hides behind a mask. Not revealing who he truly is, the REAL him. And here I am, Not wanting to be fooled because I want to love him. Not that cold hearted, I don’t give a crap about life, human being that he puts in front me. But he tells me to be honest. To show my true colors, to open up my soul to him. To let him take a peek into my mind and heart. But how can I open up to someone that isn’t real? I can’t? I won’t! I refuse. So until I see the genuine, sincere and beautiful person he is. I will be free without him.

When Will It End

Just about out of breath,

On the verge of passing out,

I Run,

Drenched in sweat,

Eyes rolling to the back of my head,

I Run,

I Run from my family,

I Run from my pain,

I Run from my hatred,

I Run from happiness,

I Run from loneness,

I Run from misery,

I Run from friends,

I Run from joy,

I Run from my life,

I Run so no one can see the genuine me,

I Run so no one can understand me,

I Run because I want to run

A Love Like No Other

When the world and life become two of my most greatest burdens,

And I feel as If I want to abandon everything and everyone,

I hear the voice of someone, So Sweet, So Gentle, Whisper in my ear,

Telling me that everything is going to be all right,

Wrapping her arms around me and wiping each tear from my face,

Her touch warms my entire body and I don't know why, But I feel secure,

The anger, The hatred, The shame, The guilt, The insecurities all vanish,

And I feel Nothing but Freedom and Selfworth,

She tells me that I'm too beautiful to be stressed,

And I laugh a dry laugh, Knowing that Stress will one day be my downfall,

But talking like that would upset her and I know her heart can't take that, So I keep my thoughts to myself,

And She kisses my forehead, Rubs her soft fingertips down my cheek and asures me that if I need her she will always be there for me,

There is no other Love, Like the Love of a Grandmother

If I define my life in one word it would be pessimistic. . . Yeah that’s it, Pessimistic. Its dark, depressing, sad, sullen, morose, the list could go on forever. The people that I am supposed to call family are the main one’s causing me to go demented. My mother acts like she doesn’t know what to do when it comes to parenting and I understand how she feels. How do you discipline an 18 male, who thinks he’s grown, but doesn’t have a cent to his name? An 18 year old that makes imbecilic decisions? But the problems isn’t mainly circled around my older brother, it starts from the moment my parents got a divorce. Marriage is an emotional, spiritual, passionate, love bound devotion to your soul mate. Can’t anything in this world tear you two apart. When problems come about, which they are because every marriage isn’t perfect, you solve them. I guess their relationship was lacking a few qualifications. Once he left, which would be around the time I start 6th Grade, my life turned into a life of loneness, disappointment, anger, hatred, and low self-esteem. The problems I had before just grew even more humongous. And my mother working 24-7 and just not being around as much caused a lot of problems for me and my siblings.

 That’s when my brother started acting out. Gang banging, fighting, stealing. I never once in my life thought that this would be the family God would place me with, but he did, so I had to deal with it. Later on down the road my father tried to be there. He introduced me and my siblings to all his new girlfriends, but I just didn’t want a relationship with him. I kept thinking to myself “How could you just leave your family like that? What kind of man are you?” He hated the fact that I hated him, yes; I hated him at the time, but he still didn’t try to reach out to me. For some strange reason, he felt that I should be the one trying to communicate with him. Again, what type of man is he?

My life has always been consisted of me moving from place to place. West Memphis, North Little Rock, South West Little Rock, Sherwood, and now you can add Conway to the list.  I never really had a durable living place. And that was okay to me; well it wasn’t really okay, it was “NORMAL”. I was use to my living conditions. I never really had anything to claim as my own anyway, so that made it even easier for me to leave. But once I did get use to a place, and my life started to become “NORMAL”, some type of bullshit had to come and mess it all up. And having no place to run to, no one to talk to, I just started creating this cohesive secure wall. This wall protected and still does protects my mental state.

I have been judged and talked about my whole entire life. I was the quite fat nerdy girl in elementary. In middle school, my body started to develop and now I was the huge chested nerdy quite girl, but now I can truely say I have came along way from where I was many years ago. All through childhood I always wanted to be accepted. I never was a bully and I always found myself defending someone else, especailly my friends. Why? I really don't, maybe because I wanted someone to do the samething for me. Every last friend I made had something going in in there life, whether it was abuse or rape. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't ugly and many times people would ask me why am I friends with those type of people. It wasn't because I felt sorry for them. It was because I understood them and they understood me. In their eyes I was perfect and the same was in my eyes. Another reason is because we all had fun together. Even though others thought of us as weird or freaks. We thought of ourselves as extraordinary

Individuals. But all that was in childhood. Now going omn my 11th grade year of high school I just don't give a flying "F" world about what people think of me. Now I have this attitude and presence that make people want to know more about me.

Darkness and Silence

The wind blows it’s chilling breeze,

There is not a single soul on my whole entire street,

The moon light covers almost everything,

And the only thing I hear is the shuffle of the fall leaves,

The sky is pitch black except for that beautiful full moon, And the stars are dancing in the sky and they dance to the song of the moon, Who’s happy to finally be free again,

And I stare up at the sky in amazement, How could something be so beautiful and breath taking??

LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES

I thought we would be together FOREVER, I thought it was us against the world, I thought you Cared! You said it yourself. . . And yet, you hurt me time and time again, but I seem to forget. . . At least try, how can someone forget about a bruise as big as a peach sitting on their face for the ENTIRE School no WORLD to see?? But I put all that in the back of my mind, remember, Together forever?? How can someone forget about a broken nose and a black eye, the constantly lying to their parents about what happen, telling them that they’re alright when really. . . They just want to die. . . I just want to die . . . I ask myself over and over, Why me?? Why me?? Why me??

At Peace With One ’s Self/ Poetry From Your's Truely

When she cuts herself. . The pain starts to magically fade away.

When she cuts herself. . She curses God, Blaming him for everything that has happen in her life.

When she cuts herself. . She thinks of all the malicious things “HE” has done to her, And the thoughts are so unbearable that she has to make a trip to her parents liquor cabinet.

When she takes a sip of that bottle. . Her father comes to mind.

When she takes of sip of that bottle. . She sees her father’s gritty hands touching her pure innocent body.

When she takes a sip of that bottle. . She has flashbacks, experiencing a crime that no child should ever have to endure. The man that she trusted and loved took her innocence from her. The man she called “FATHER”took her childhood and her life. The thoughts are pounding at her mind and the liquor isn’t doing any good so she moves to the medicine cabinet.

When she swallows 6 pills. . She begins to cry hysterically.

When she swallows 6 more pills. . She begins to grow dizzy and the room begins to spin.

When she swallow 6 more pills. .  her body becomes weightless, her mind stops racing, no more tears, no more anger, no more hatred , just silence and peace .

What Age Got To Do With It?

Who are you to say that love doesn't exist at a young age? That every teenager that is inlove isn't inlove. It's either LUST or Puppy'Dog Love.  Well I'm hear to tell you that I am 16 years old and LOVE is what keeps me moving, well that and the fact that I have the Ability to actually move. Anywho, I have been in many many other relationships, were I thought to myself "He is the on!" Even though there were SIGNS that told me to RUN AWAY and never look back, but me being the FOOLISH child I once was, I ignored them. Then one day reality just happen to SMACK me in the face and I Finally realized that I don't deserve all the lies and bull he put me through. How do she know she's INLOVE now? I know your asking yourself that question right now, but I am inlove and life couldn't be better. . . He treats me like a QUEEN, not a Princess, but a QUEEN! When life gets to the point were I just can't take it anymore, he's there to tell me I can do it. Encouragement and support is what he gives me. He appreciates me for who I am, flaws and all . Change is no where in his vocabulary and  I love him for that. I love that he loves my Random Thoughts and my Weirdness, he thinks its cute. He compliments each day, even when I'm looking a down right mess and he not only tells me how much he loves me, by the beautiful poetry he writes, but he also shows me. . I could Go On and On and On, but I'm not. . Just know, Teenagers can be INLOVE too. .

Who Are You?

WHAT is the point of praying?
WHAT is the point of getting down on my knees, putting my hands together, bowing my head, closing my eyes, and telling all my problems, hopes, fears, thoughts, pain, worries, and concerns to a GOD that I don't even know exist or not?
WHY should I have to do this every single day,  puring out my heart to the point I am breathless and still see no change?
I'M still going through the same bullshit I went through the day before that and the day before that and so on. . .
WHY? Because you told me to?
BECAUSE if I don't beleive in YOUR God I'm going to Hell?