If I define my life in one word it would be pessimistic. . . Yeah that’s it, Pessimistic. Its dark, depressing, sad, sullen, morose, the list could go on forever. The people that I am supposed to call family are the main one’s causing me to go demented. My mother acts like she doesn’t know what to do when it comes to parenting and I understand how she feels. How do you discipline an 18 male, who thinks he’s grown, but doesn’t have a cent to his name? An 18 year old that makes imbecilic decisions? But the problems isn’t mainly circled around my older brother, it starts from the moment my parents got a divorce. Marriage is an emotional, spiritual, passionate, love bound devotion to your soul mate. Can’t anything in this world tear you two apart. When problems come about, which they are because every marriage isn’t perfect, you solve them. I guess their relationship was lacking a few qualifications. Once he left, which would be around the time I start 6th Grade, my life turned into a life of loneness, disappointment, anger, hatred, and low self-esteem. The problems I had before just grew even more humongous. And my mother working 24-7 and just not being around as much caused a lot of problems for me and my siblings.
That’s when my brother started acting out. Gang banging, fighting, stealing. I never once in my life thought that this would be the family God would place me with, but he did, so I had to deal with it. Later on down the road my father tried to be there. He introduced me and my siblings to all his new girlfriends, but I just didn’t want a relationship with him. I kept thinking to myself “How could you just leave your family like that? What kind of man are you?” He hated the fact that I hated him, yes; I hated him at the time, but he still didn’t try to reach out to me. For some strange reason, he felt that I should be the one trying to communicate with him. Again, what type of man is he?
My life has always been consisted of me moving from place to place. West Memphis, North Little Rock, South West Little Rock, Sherwood, and now you can add Conway to the list. I never really had a durable living place. And that was okay to me; well it wasn’t really okay, it was “NORMAL”. I was use to my living conditions. I never really had anything to claim as my own anyway, so that made it even easier for me to leave. But once I did get use to a place, and my life started to become “NORMAL”, some type of bullshit had to come and mess it all up. And having no place to run to, no one to talk to, I just started creating this cohesive secure wall. This wall protected and still does protects my mental state.
I have been judged and talked about my whole entire life. I was the quite fat nerdy girl in elementary. In middle school, my body started to develop and now I was the huge chested nerdy quite girl, but now I can truely say I have came along way from where I was many years ago. All through childhood I always wanted to be accepted. I never was a bully and I always found myself defending someone else, especailly my friends. Why? I really don't, maybe because I wanted someone to do the samething for me. Every last friend I made had something going in in there life, whether it was abuse or rape. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't ugly and many times people would ask me why am I friends with those type of people. It wasn't because I felt sorry for them. It was because I understood them and they understood me. In their eyes I was perfect and the same was in my eyes. Another reason is because we all had fun together. Even though others thought of us as weird or freaks. We thought of ourselves as extraordinary
That’s when my brother started acting out. Gang banging, fighting, stealing. I never once in my life thought that this would be the family God would place me with, but he did, so I had to deal with it. Later on down the road my father tried to be there. He introduced me and my siblings to all his new girlfriends, but I just didn’t want a relationship with him. I kept thinking to myself “How could you just leave your family like that? What kind of man are you?” He hated the fact that I hated him, yes; I hated him at the time, but he still didn’t try to reach out to me. For some strange reason, he felt that I should be the one trying to communicate with him. Again, what type of man is he?
My life has always been consisted of me moving from place to place. West Memphis, North Little Rock, South West Little Rock, Sherwood, and now you can add Conway to the list. I never really had a durable living place. And that was okay to me; well it wasn’t really okay, it was “NORMAL”. I was use to my living conditions. I never really had anything to claim as my own anyway, so that made it even easier for me to leave. But once I did get use to a place, and my life started to become “NORMAL”, some type of bullshit had to come and mess it all up. And having no place to run to, no one to talk to, I just started creating this cohesive secure wall. This wall protected and still does protects my mental state.
I have been judged and talked about my whole entire life. I was the quite fat nerdy girl in elementary. In middle school, my body started to develop and now I was the huge chested nerdy quite girl, but now I can truely say I have came along way from where I was many years ago. All through childhood I always wanted to be accepted. I never was a bully and I always found myself defending someone else, especailly my friends. Why? I really don't, maybe because I wanted someone to do the samething for me. Every last friend I made had something going in in there life, whether it was abuse or rape. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't ugly and many times people would ask me why am I friends with those type of people. It wasn't because I felt sorry for them. It was because I understood them and they understood me. In their eyes I was perfect and the same was in my eyes. Another reason is because we all had fun together. Even though others thought of us as weird or freaks. We thought of ourselves as extraordinary
Individuals. But all that was in childhood. Now going omn my 11th grade year of high school I just don't give a flying "F" world about what people think of me. Now I have this attitude and presence that make people want to know more about me.
No comments:
Post a Comment